Perfection Induces Vomiting
by Night Kunoichi
Summary: Perfection is something we all strive for. However when people like Mary Sue wield it, it becomes a nauseating and horrifying thing. Follow the journey in this Trollfiction if you dare but be warned this is not for the faint-hearted.


**A/N: I am a horrible person. I promised myself that I wouldn't start another fanfiction until I finished my horrible Avengers fanfic but after my friend, Lufuu suggested this idea, I just couldn't help myself so we are writing this together. I should not have to clarify this but I will, I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters present in this fanfiction. Not even the Sue character. I am under the distinct impression that she is a Satanic creation.**

Chapter 1 Perfection Induces Vomiting

To all readers who are prepared to travel on this overly embellished and dramatic journey, if you have a weak stomach for perfection, as the authors it is our duty to warn you that you should leave the vicinity immediately or if you wish to press on through this dangerous territory, you should find a plastic garbage bin or bag of some sort close by for you to projectile vomit in. Now that the primary issue has been cleared up, it is our pleasure (actually it is our displeasure but no self-respecting Suethor would have anything short of pride for their characters so we must lie to you. We apologize for our depravity) to introduce the heroine of this story.

Her name is Mary Ebony Christine Yuki Hana Rayne Dally Victoria Serena Lovely Sue. The world of Potterdom (or anywhere for that matter) had never seen such a stunningly beautiful, kind, unique, talented, intelligent, strong, and cheerful and whatever other wonderful traits your mind can invent, girl. And girl would be the proper term to utilize here as she is only 11 years old and was to be traveling to Hogwarts. Now, we as the authors feel that we must clarify that young Mary was certainly talented enough to have attending the prestigious school of Witchcraft and Wizardry when she was 8 but it pained her kind heart to leave her less talented friends behind while she went away to school.

Yet you also must know that, despite her age of 11 before puberty should have even glanced at her, Mary had developed a curvaceous figure that could shame even Kim Kardashian and Pamela Anderson and drop their self esteem to nonexistent levels. As unlikely as this would seem, this is something that underscores just how special Mary is. But even more so one of the prime reasons behind her voluptuous curves that does not seem to be possessed by any other 11 year old in the world but our young heroine, was that she was half Veela. So naturally this would dictate that even at 11, her beauty would demand the attention of everyone in the near vicinity.

Just how beautiful is Mary? Well, my reader we are thrilled that you asked! Even beyond her genetics deeming her half Veela, at a young age (yes as the authors we already acknowledge that she is at a young age but she is just so talented that any magical accidents that occurred when she was attempting magic all happened at a much younger age) she had been attempting magic without speaking the spell itself when somehow it backfired and now her hair color changes to suit the preference of whoever is looking at her. However, this can be a problem in areas with a great amount of people since, she is such a neck breaker that **everyone** must look at her at least once, this dictates that her hair will turn to rainbow colors. Author NK shivers at the thought of how Mary's experience in Diagon Alley would have been. Even more so the visit to Platform 9 ¾ terrifies both of us.

Authors NK and L would like to take a moment to collect ourselves from the horror (we dually apologize, from the Joy) we have just created.

There we have collected ourselves sufficiently enough.

Now it is also necessary to mention that Mary is a Metamorphmagus. Author L would like to point out that we both are aware that this seems to be a pointless trait as her hair already magically changes color when others look upon her loveliness, but then that would mean her face, skin color, height, body type (although that is unlikely to change) and eye color would have to remain in a monotonous existence. As the Suethors, we feel this would break the integrity of this story of focusing and telling the tale of a Mary-sue if she does not have every wonderful trait possible. Author NK is inclined to agree with her.

Furthermore, in addition to being half Veela, young Mary is also half Phoenix (Author NK and L shudder to think how those genetics came into her family), half Vampire, half Werewolf, half Mermaid and half Dragon. Yes, reader, we are both aware that this is a phenomenon that would be considered mathematically impossible (Author L's theory is that she was born from a mass orgy). But Mary is just so perfect that she can bend and break the laws of reality, no self respecting Mary-sue lacks this trait. Or were we lesser authors we would say here, "Its MY storie! Its fiction! Ur just jelus that ur charecter isnt as kewl as minez! LOL!11!1" (Author NK feels the need to inform you that a piece of her soul just died after writing that sentence.) However even with the content of this story, we do not believe that we could live with ourselves if we went that low. The nightmares alone would be heart-stopping.

Now, my fellow readers, we must apologize in advance for the agonizing torture that we are about to put you through. It pains us to do so but no Suethor could ever keep their dignity if they did not go into unnecessary detail about what their character is wearing. Author L would like to comment that she hears screams of terror now. Author NK adds that it was her own screaming that Author L heard. So grip your seats and prepare to white knuckle through this overly embellished section of the chapter.

Mary preferred to dress in some form of Punk attire but on this day, she was clad in a tight corset that emphasized the size of her breasts, causing them to bulge in an eye drawing way. It was the loveliest color of neon pink, comparing her to some sickeningly sweet valentines candy that no one wants (Ah, again we must apologize that EVERYONE wants.) Author NK and L would love (actually hate) to further go into detail about the specific patterns of lace and trimming that is embroidered into this corset but we have far too much self respect and a respect for you readers to go so into such horrid detail. About her hips was a black and purple plaid skirt that came to about mid thigh, the edging trimmed in more lace and the folds of the skirt pleated. Fish net stockings and arm warmers also clung snugly to her skin.

Author NK pleads with Author L to allow her to stop slaughtering her brain cells with this exercise. Author L insists that it must be done for the greater good. Author NK understands. For the readers.

Mary also wore black combat boots that reached her knees and the laces were a bright pink like her corset. Shadow of a matching purple graced her eyes that were vivid green at the moment, along with black eye liner, mascara, and black lipstick. Now the authors would like to mention that she of course, she does not need make-up but her natural beauty is such a curse that it would blind all who look upon her. The make-up is for the salvation of the sight of all living creatures. Even animals are not immune to it. Her nails were painted in the colors of the rainbow and every finger bore some kind of ring. Today her hair was also cut in a short style with streaks, not that it would matter since the color would change the moment someone looks at her. And to top off her look, she had multiple piercings up the cartilage of her ear, followed by a fancy silver cross. This would complete her goffik look.

Author NK is tremendously relieved that this torture is finally over. Author L would like to say that Author NK did well. Author L would also like to add that she is terrible sorry for Author NK having to type gothic so terribly for the sake of a reference. Author NK points out it's for the good of the readers.

Now that the most nightmarish part of this chapter is out of the way, we can further delve into young Mary's back story. Every Sue must have a cliché or tragic past. This is a direct effort for the Suethors to give their character "Flaws" as they could never give them real flaws. Author L states that young Mary lost her mother in a vampire attack while working with the Order of the Phoenix. Of course, our heroine was so talented at magic already at the tender age of 7 that she was working with the Order as well. This was the reason that she was there to witness such an attack. Author NK would like to point out that under normal circumstances Mary is powerful enough to defeat any enemy but she had arrived just as the murder happened. She then used the Avada Kadvra curse to kill the vampire.

Of course, because she is so wonderful and amazing the Ministry of Magic forgave her for using an Unforgivable curse. And just one year ago her father was murdered by Voldemort himself. Why is her father important enough to get a visit from the Dark Lord? Well, we are glad you asked! Mary already had developed a tremendous reputation for her talent and skill that Voldemort had come to recruit her into the Death Eater ranks but her father would not tell him where she was. It so happened that young Mary Sue had been away visiting Harry Potter himself at Privet Drive. She was his very first friend.

Author NK would like to say that she will have no brain cells left after writing this one chapter. Author L adds that she is laughing hysterically at Author NK's expense. Author NK points out that her friend has no soul, it died when she proposed the idea to write this monstrosity. Oh, once again we apologize, this WONDERFUL fanfiction.

At 11 years old, there would be no way for her to care for herself but the love her neighbors posses for Mary Sue is so great that they provide for any need that she has. It also does not hurt that locked away in Gringotts was a tremendous fortune that was left behind by her parents. Even at the precipice of puberty she is so wonderful and mature that she no longer needs to be raised by parents. She now knows what's best for her.

Authors NK and L notice that the mentality of that last sentence is one possessed by every bratty teenager still living with their parents.

Now that we have effectively stretched on the appearance and back story of Mary Sue to nearly four pages long on Microsoft Word, we can get started on the relevant parts of this story. Our heroine was already on Hogwarts Express, her hair fluctuating between red and brown as she was speaking with Harry Potter and Ron Weasely. Hermione Granger, however, refused to speak to Mary because, for absolutely no good reason, she hated her.

This stems from the fact that any female character that was not already friends with a Mary-sue to begin with (or lesbians) will automatically hate her because they feel so jealous and incompetent next to her amazing person that they feel the over whelming need to harbor such feelings of resentment.

"Gosh Mary," Harry said with a blush, "What do you think your house will be?"

"I bet you'll be a Griffindor! Some of the best wizards go into that house!" Ron chimed in, blushing as well.

"She'll probably just get in Hufflepuff." Hermione said waspishly.

"Hermione!" the boys exclaimed in anger.

Mary shook her head, "No, she's probably right. I mean after all I'm not really special or anything."

Author NK snorted at this statement because as it falls EVERY Mary-sue is special that is the defining feature of their horrendous species.

"Don't say that!" Harry protested, "You are very talented! And… um…."

Mary tilted her head to the side in such an innocent manner that it caused the dark-haired boy to flush even more.

"What is it Harry?"

"You're…very pretty."

Her cheeks tinted red with embarrassment and shyness at her friend's comment. She thanked him in a delicate voice and looked demurely at her lap. Hermione huffed in anger but said nothing and buried her nose into a book so she would no longer have to look at the girl who made her so angry and jealous.

"Well I think you're very pretty too!" Ron exclaimed, hoping to get the beautiful girl to notice him first.

Author NK would like to say she needs to vomit, please excuse her while she relieves her stomach of her dinner. Author L would like add she's feeling rather queasy herself and is scarfing down an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol in an attempt to make it through this chapter.

It was at that point that a young squirrely boy entered the compartment. He was a boy with dark brown hair, gap teeth and an awkward gait. His equally brown eyes seemed to be searching for something when his gaze fell upon Mary and his expression was nothing short of star-struck. Mary's hair then promptly changed to blonde before going back to brown, red then blonde again. It would seem that the boy had forgotten exactly what he was looking for and he continued to stare in shock at our heroine.

"I….uh…" He began.

"Yes?"

"I'm, uh, looking for my toad….Trevor."

Mary smiled a charming smile, which caused the boy to turn a dark red, "I'm sorry but we haven't seen a toad."

"I, oh ok. I'm….Neville. Neville Longbottom."

"Nice to meet you! I'm Mary Sue! Do you need help finding Trevor?" she offered kindly.

"Yes!" He exclaimed a little too quickly, "I mean, yeah that would be great."

Harry and Ron stood at that exact moment for it falls under Sue Protocol that any boy with a crush (so in other words every male present) must feel jealous when the Sue interacts with another male. Author NK says that this likely stems from the fact that Sue's seem to possess the magical ability to make every male that lays eyes on her, want to own her. Author L is currently face palming and damning the entire fictional species of men for their inability to resist this nauseating characters' charms. The group was soon searching the entire train for the missing toad, Neville, Harry and Ron all trying to get as close as possible to the girl they all deeply held affections for.

The authors would like to mention that everyone one of these characters fell in love with her at first sight as it is code #3 in Sue Protocol that at least 2 men must develop these feelings upon seeing her for the first time. This is of course only succeeded by the rules to give her creative and desirable names and unique and stunning looks.

After spending the next hour combing the train for the lost toad, Mary earning herself a plethora of admirers stalking them throughout the search, they found it and the witch headed towards the bathroom so she could get a bit of a break from the lines of drooling boys. It was then where she ran across a tall boy who was a good few years older than her with messy golden brown hair and golden eyes. He also had the most peculiar skin, it sparkled in the sunlight, like diamonds.

We feel that the readers should know that author NK is snickering about how there is a humanoid disco ball who WISHED he was a real vampire on the train. He looks _fabulous_. And author L is currently unable to comment as she is currently hiding in a closet because this is too horrible of a sight to behold. Author NK informs her that the closet that she is hiding in is the very closet that Edward Cullen makes his home. Author L has a few more words to say but for the sake of not traumatizing the readers, we will not discuss it.

"Hey." He said, his attitude trying to give her the impression that he is, in fact, an impressive and cool individual when nothing could be further from the truth.

Of course, Edward Cullen is already attracted to Mary for her beauty. Author NK feels the need to inform the readers that this is another example of how amazing Mary Sue is. For with just one look, she had caused Edward to find a person of the opposite sex attractive as opposed to his usual taste of those falling under the same gender as him. Author NK would like to retract that statement because Mary is not the opposite sex of Edward. In fact the only thing manly about him is his name. Author L is delighted to hear Author NK's intense dislike for Edward.

"Hi." She says shyly but feeling a bit uncomfortable under his intense gaze.

"I'm Edward Cullen."

"I'm Mary Sue."

He drew closer, "Did you want to sit in my compartment with me?"

"I, uh, I've already got a compartment with some friends. Thank you though."

"But I have a compartment all to myself. You don't want some….alone time?"

He made sure to put an emphasis on the last two words causing Mary to shift uncomfortably.

"Look I just want to go to the bathroom and get back to my friends."

It is here that Edward will try to sexually assault the beautiful girl as it demands since she is the stunningly gorgeous Sue, even though with her age it would label him as a pedophile. Author NK would also like to add that it would serve no purpose to write out this scene other than to disgust or horrify readers. And she would also like to say that she has no desire to write a lesbian scene of any kind. Author L agrees, as any lesbian scene with Edward involved would surely plague the world with nightmares pried from the depths of hell itself.

Here would also be the time that any of Mary Sue's previous admirers would intervene to save her from being a damsel in distress even though she is already proficient enough in magic to save herself. And shortly thereafter the train would arrive at Hogwarts where all the first years would cross the lake to the Castle and be led inside. Authors NK and L will now happily say that this chapter is over. Author NK says that any who has survived this without becoming physically ill and still wish to continue on this terrifying journey please leave a review at the bottom. Author L would also like to commend your bravery.


End file.
